


Colobopsis Saundersi

by hueningsmole



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, I keep writing so much angst lately, It is kind of sad, M/M, next thing I post won't be angst, thoughts, wrote this after I finished watching a movie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:53:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26537620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hueningsmole/pseuds/hueningsmole
Summary: Chapter 1: Taehyun's inner thoughts during a drive to Beomgyu's childhood home.Chapter 2: Beomgyu's inner thoughts while at his childhood home.Chapter 3: EpilogueWarning: The writing sounds very melancholy and can trigger unwanted emotions. If you are trying to stay away from those thoughts, please do not read this. Stay safe!! <3
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Colobopsis Saundersi

**Author's Note:**

> TW // OVERTHINKING AND SIGNS OF PARENT PRESSURE
> 
> I edited this myself and just like all my other works, I tend to miss little spelling mistakes. If you see any, please let me know so I can fix it! I would greatly appreciate it.

_Why do things end? There is always a time where expiration hits, from food to due dates to people. It’s become hard not to think about it; once the thought lands on your brain it sticks like chewing gum. It lingers like the smell of wet dog on the old couch during rainy April. It dominates every other idea and feeling like those crappy movies we cannot stop thinking back to, those movies that end up replacing the ones that made us feel uncomfortable due to their relativity and realness. The thought stays implanted in our brains. The thought of my relationship ending has not been in my mind for long. It is brand new compared to the other memories and experiences that circle around in my brain. It feels old, though. It feels heavy and might as well be personified as an elephant standing on my head. In a way that is what this thought is. The elephant in the room. I remember Professor Kim once telling me that a thought is much closer to reality than an action. You can fake an action, fake compliments, fake your responses to answers to fit it, but you cannot fake a thought. Thoughts in a way are our own original ideas we can’t seem to get rid of, no matter how hard we try. Perhaps that is why it worries me that my relationship has reached its expiration date; it’s a thought only I had and have never expressed, but it is obvious that Beomgyu feels the same way._

_I had never been on a drive for this long; from Seoul to Daegu. The packed streets had become empty at some point during our drive. It is quiet now; almost vacant. The scenery is beautiful. There is so much to see but my mind feels too calm to take it all in. My thoughts are too-_

“Want to stop for a coffee?” _A voice interrupts my inner monologue._

“I’m fine.” _I reply, my eyes still enchanted by the open field on my left._

_I can hear Beomgyu shifting around in the seat._ “What about a snack? I don’t know if you had breakfast before I picked you up…”

“I had late night snacks with Huening. I’ll be okay.”

_I wait for his reply for was feels like hours but is probably no more than a couple of seconds._ “If you say so…”

_It’s the first time I am visiting Beomgyu’s family. Beomgyu. My boyfriend. It still feels a bit strange calling him that. I remember when we first met, back at Jinsung’s birthday batch. I used to have the biggest crush on him. He felt very far away and out of my league at the time, which isn’t much of a difference to how I feel about him now. He is a graphic design major, a year older than me, tall, attractive, charming, with lots of friends…and then there is me. Boring Kang Taehyun._

_That is my nickname. Boring. No adjective can better describe me. My life is uneventful, my choices have no variation, my conversations are mind-numbing, and my dating life has been monotonous. The motion of my life has somewhat of a soporific effect. Perhaps that is why Beomgyu is now disinterested in me; I am too dull._

_Why does it have to end? He hasn’t been my boyfriend very long. 1 year and a half since we met at the party. 1 year and 3 months since I admitted to myself I was crushing on him. Eleven months since I decided to pursue him. Eight months since I asked him out. Five since our first kiss. Two months ago we made it public to our families. 1 week since…he told me his family wanted to meet me._

_It’s our first trip together. Our first long ride where we can talk about anything and everything. I should be excited, it’s one of our many first. It’s a big step in a relationship. Why am I not excited? It is a rhetorical question I am asking myself because I already know the answer. He might be thinking of ending thi-_

“Are you sure you don’t want to stop for something?” _I hear him ask again. In a way, it annoys me. I had already given him my answer and there is no need to question what I had replied._

“No. I’m good.”

**_Silence._ **

“Are you sure, sure? There won’t be any shops for a while…”

_Annoyance is something that tends to plague my mind these days, this moment being a prime example. Perhaps he is the one who hasn’t eaten and is trying to stop for food without seeming_ _rude or unprepared?_ “I’m sure sure. Do you want to stop and get something?”

_He thinks about it and considers it. I can feel him pushing his own feelings aside_. “No it’s fine, I was just making sure you were sure.”

“Okay…thank you _.” I wish he would stop pushing his feelings aside. Why won’t he be upfront about everything?_

“Sure…you’re welcome.”

“Yeah…sure…”

_It feels like I know Beomgyu for longer than I have, but at the same time, it feels like I don’t know him at all. I would say that we have a strange connection in a way. But maybe he doesn’t want that connection. I mean, what is the point in carrying on like this? He knows me so well already, he knows where this relationship will go. I’m not fun or exciting like him. Not loud. He probably thinks this won’t go anywhere. There are so many sides of him I have yet to discover, yet he already discovered all there is to know about me._

_Maybe it is just human nature to stay with what you already know. It isn’t Beomgyu nature though. He tries so many different things. Maybe the alternative requires too much energy. Maybe it’s to cruel. I mean, who would want to break up with the underclass man who pursued you for a year. The underclass man who you agreed to go out with. The underclass man who you are too afraid to break up with. I would be afraid. I don’t even know why he decided to say yes._

_Decisiveness. I guess people stay in certain relationships because it is easier. There is no need to decide what is already decided for you. An object in motion stays in motion just like people stay_ _in relationships past their expiration dates. Newtons first law of emotion according to Iain Reid. Maybe I should end-_

“My brothers said they are looking forward to meeting you.”

_That wasn’t a topic I was expecting him to bring up. I’m quite shocked if I’m being honest. I don’t believe anyone looks forward to meeting what they already know_. “Really? I hope you didn’t give them a wrong impression of me, haha.”

“There is no wrong impression to give. You’re perfect.”

**_Perfect is a synonym to uninteresting in many cases._** “That’s nice to hear.”

“Ya! I’m serious.”

**_Serious is a synonym to decided, which Beomgyu does seem to be._** “Sure. I’m looking forward to meeting them too. Soobin and Yeonjun, right?”

“Yeah. Soobin actually thinks…”

_Maybe it’s unfair that Beomgyu invited me on this trip. It’s unfair when I know about our future, or well, the lack of future. What he thinks our future will be like. Just settle down with what you have and live the boring life his parents want him to have. The one with a stable job and a perfect family. I guess staying with me can provide one half of what they want. Someone to keep him grounded and keep him from being too reckless._

_Maybe I am overthinking this. Beomgyu hasn’t been distant, just calmer. Perhaps he is settling down with me, or at least thinking about it. After all, I am going to meet his parents. Where did this idea of our relationship ending even come from? Truth is, I know Beomgyu’s parents didn’t exactly approve of me dating Beomgyu. I know they didn’t approve of Beomgyu dating a boy…that is until Beomgyu’s grades suddenly went up and he wasn’t posting pictures at parties every other week. I guess that’s how I know I’m boring…_

“And yeah. Yeonjun also thinks you are really cool. I showed him your thesis.”

“Huh?” _My mind wanders off very often these days. I would wonder why but then I would be too far gone._

“The one about susceptibility to rabies infection in the sensory dorsal root ganglia neurons. And I think trigeminal ganglia as well. You submitted a couple weeks ago for competition.”

“Right. I’m shocked you remember.” **_There it is, that damn silence again._**

“I’m shocked too. Point for me I guess.”

“Interested and knowledgeable about your boyfriend’s work. Never thought I would see Choi Beomgyu remember something that doesn’t have to do with a color pallet.”

“Yeah…”

_Maybe I should switch the subject._ “You have a paper due soon, right?”

“Yeah. It’s a book report.”

“How’s that going?”

“It’s going…nowhere. I’ll do it when we go back.”

“Deal with it first thing. You know what happens when you procrastinate.”

“I know, I know. Don’t worry, it’s not like you’ll let me forget.”

_It’s not like I’ll let him forget…I’m a push over after all. Maybe that’s why he is thinking of ending things. I don’t give him space. That’s why I don’t know him well, because I push my believes on him and burry his. I need to change my attitude, I guess. Why do things have to-_

“You want to listen to something?”

“Huh?”

_I turn to see Beomgyu looking at the road with an intense glare, like if he was scared a truck would randomly appear and send us skewing from our predetermined path._ “I asked if you wanted to play some music? We could blast TWICE till we get there…if you want of course.”

“Um, sure.” _There is no point in playing music halfway into your trip._

“Are you okay? You seem a bit distracted.”

“Oh yeah. I’m good. Just forgot that…the world is more than what’s inside my own head.”

“I wish I had that problem. My head isn’t big enough to fit a whole world.”

“Haha..I’m sure you could. You’re quite poetic.”

“Poetic doesn’t equal…”

_Beomgyu’s poetry confuses me. It is the only time I feel like I get a look inside his head. I wish I could get a look inside his head more often. His poems are written sporadically. Then again, he is sporadic. It fits him, really._

“And-”

“Can you tell me a poem?“ _I just realized I interrupted him. It’s too late to take it back, I guess_.

“A poem?”

“Yeah. It’ll fit the landscape.”

“Hm, I haven’t read any poems lately…”

“Can you tell me a poem you wrote then?”

“I guess I could. It’s quite boring though.”

“I’m pretty boring too. Me and the poem match.”

“Huh…okay then. It’s called Unspoken:

**The silence you leave behind is adjuring**

**What do you expect from me?**

**An order that’s red herring**

**A distraction from ever more**

**The fact we don’t match**

**In whatever form**

**Is it my attitude?**

**It can’t be when I give my all**

**But I do lack ineptitude**

**Is it my long ramblings that keep you away?**

**They make our ending stray**

**In this story there is no man that wins.**

**I would formally apologize**

**But I’m thinking of ending things.”**

_He is thinking of ending things. I guess he isn’t afraid to be cruel._ “Huh, what was that last part?”

“Um, I would formally apologize but there is nothing wrong with things?”

**_Or maybe, I’m the cruel one_**. “Oh, I heard something else. Um, but wow.”

“Wow is an all-purpose exclamation; it could mean that that it could rival Shakespeare or that is was absolute shit. Probably the latter, really- “

“Really no, I love it. It’s amazing.” _My thoughts are stuttering_. “I-It’s like you wrote it about me.”

“Then I guess I succeeded. That’s what one hopes when writing a poem, right?”

_I hold my breath._ “What does one hope for?”

“That there is some sort of universal truth, like those found in stories like Beowulf or Town 88.”

“I never read those.” _But even now that I can exhale, I have a hard time._

“Oh.” _I wish I was more creative; I want to match Beomgyu’s pace._

“But you did get your universal truth through.”

“That’s a first. My professor told me my writing lacks messages and personality.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! It was-“

_It’s like he wrote it about me. Beomgyu is really sweet and sensitive and he listens to me. He is good at getting his point across. There is no way the poem magically matches the toss and turns of my thoughts if he isn’t having the same ones._

“-and he almost failed me! All I was trying to write was how time takes us where it takes us. Not some profound, groundbreaking essay.”

“It is class required for your major though. I understand why he would get on your case”

_I can feel Beomgyu’s gaze on me for a second before it’s gone._ “Not really. It isn’t required, I just took it because it looked fun.”

“Then you can drop the class if you dislike the professor that much.” _I joke_.

“My parents would kill me. I would be the equivalent of those bugs that blow themselves up.”

“Right.” _Then it is silent again except for the low hums from the stereo of Beomgyu’s car._

_Our relationship is the equivalent of those ants that blow themselves up. They do it for better of their community, **would the end of us mean a better life then?**_

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago. I honestly wasn't thinking about posting it since I had already posted a very angsty and badly written story before this one. However, I decided to post it after reading a very sweet comment under my other story. I hope you were able to enjoy it and that I projected my feelings well. It is based off my emotions and thoughts at the moment due to some conflict between me and someone in my life and a movie I saw on Netflix. The movie I saw prior to this is called "I'm Thinking Of Ending Things" and it can be found on Netflix. It is a very good movie, but I do recommend reading the book before you watch it because things can get quite confusing. Once again, thank you for reading this and I'm sorry about my bad poetry! It was my first attempt at a poem that wasn't completely free verse...


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